My Miscarriage Story - Pt. 1

Let's get right into it.

As young as I am, complications were far from my mind when I first found out I was pregnant. You often hear that it's best to wait until the 12 week mark to make any announcements, and as excited as I was to tell the world, something inside me told me to hold off.

It's easy to assume pregnancy is straightforward - we're shown numerous pregnancy announcements and journeys in our daily lives that follow a similar timeline: finding out > ultrasounds > pregnancy symptoms (if any) > labour & delivery > welcome baby!

Approximately 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage.

Had I known that, maybe I would've been more prepared. I mean, I only waited for the 12 week mark because that's usually how it is; never in my mind considering the fact that there was a chance something would actually happen.

Once my spotting had started, I tried to remain positive - even though I had gone google crazy and it was telling me all sorts of scary things. By the 4th day of spotting, as it was seemingly getting heavier than lighter, I knew something was off; just like how I knew I was pregnant before even taking the test.

The ultrasound didn't provide much comfort, it was on me to maintain that positive mindset. The technician didn't say much, and the information she did give me barely gave any clarity. Still, I remained hopeful - even though the spotting had turned into light bleeding.

When the midwife emailed me the next day to let me know that there had been no heartbeat detected during the ultrasound, I still held on to hope. That week and the days that followed were filled with constant prayers and self-assurance that things would be okay.

Blood tests were done, appointments were booked - anything I could do to help ensure my baby's health and wellbeing. Every time I spoke with a professional, they would prepare me for the worst. I refused to give into the mindset of "waiting for the miscarriage to happen," and instead, focused on the possibility that a miracle would happen. I mean, what good would planting negative thoughts in my mind do? If I tried to stay positive and think good thoughts, it may just yield positive results, right?

Then it happened.

What started off as growing cramps and heavier bleeding throughout the day, soon became severe pain that kept me up all night. I sat on the toilet for hours, praying for the pain to stop and the bleeding to slow down. I wasn't dizzy yet, I wasn't nauseous - I could tough it out; no need to go to the ER.

It didn't stop, and the bleeding only got heavier, until finally at 5am I gave in and told my boyfriend we needed to go to the hospital.

They medicated my pain, did the necessary checks, and confirmed that what I had prayed would not happen, was happening - the pregnancy is not viable and I am currently miscarrying. I had held onto the hopes of a miracle up until that point. I wasn't angry, I wasn't sad - deep down, I expected to hear those words. What other explanation could there be?

It was the days that followed that I wasn't prepared for. I thought the physical pain would be the worst of it, but after leaving the hospital knowing I still wasn't done and had to complete my miscarriage naturally at home... combined with the emotional rollercoaster I was going through, I just wanted it to be over.

After the traumatic experience from the other night, I tried to avoid the washroom unless absolutely necessary. The cramping then returned a day or so after - not as unbearably painful as the last time, but definitely a little worse that your usual period cramps.

There I sat, praying for this whole ordeal to be over. As if God heard my prayers, I felt something pass and plop in the toilet. I didn't look, I didn't want to look, but I just knew that was it. My cramping had reduced significantly immediately after that. By the glory and grace of God, passing what would've been my baby wasn't as painful as I expected it to be. As each day passed, I felt that my body was healing and slowly going back to normal.

Physically, I was healing. My emotions, on the other hand, were still on a rollercoaster ride.

TO BE CONTINUED